[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Happens to everyone.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
any last words?