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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”