If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
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I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
lmfao
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
That’s enough internet for the day
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach