DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
You Might Also Like
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Never forget.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.