Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
it’s finally my moment to shine
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out