When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
also my go-to takeaway order
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.