Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.