5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
inventing words: clothing
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Someone just threatened to call me later
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
We’re all getting idioter.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.