the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Awwwww shit.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?