Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’