Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?