The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
*pronounces patio like ratio
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.