HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*