if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
When you’re here for the treats.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed