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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard