If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32