The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Snapes on a plane.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep