[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
We all have our pet causes.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.