“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
PLOT TWIST:
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.