Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away