Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
We have a winner.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Bobby pin
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.