no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I need better friends
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Cat.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.