Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
i just found this in my phone
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.