One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”