When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????