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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Social distancing in Australia:
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.