I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The Struggle
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Life hack
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
So the ex texted me
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!