my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works