“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
men, we mow at sunrise.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The news is so predictable nowadays
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Finally, an explanation.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags