my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have