interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
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Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game