I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer