I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.