her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,