Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.