Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
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A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
no
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”