earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My new favorite headline