🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.