doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.