Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.