A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Not helping
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol