If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
what’s the point then??
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.