Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My whole life was a lie.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat