if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!