I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
This could’ve been an email.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.