My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me