Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!