Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.