No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
You Might Also Like
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Okay
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff