chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Important
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now